Where do you go
when your heart is torn in two
knowing that there is nothing
you can do?
What do you say
when you cannot sway
another's heart or mind
knowing it's just the price
you pay
Told that you're in the wrong
will never create a sweet song
blame is such a bitter word
so hard not to fall on your sword
Anger flits but is denied
by thoughts of suicide
but that's no way to die
you have to keep your pride
Tuesday 11 June 2013
Saturday 25 May 2013
Fairy Tale
Maybe just tell me you love me
Maybe just tell me you care
Maybe just say that I'm lovely
Maybe I'll know that you're there
Sometimes I want to be lonely
Sometimes I want to be free
Sometimes I want you to hold me
Sometimes I want things I can't have
Always I know I'm confused
Always I know that you're you
Always I know I don't know
Always I know you're amazing
Once I knew things were certain
Once I knew we were true
Once I knew you were you
Once I knew all I needed to know
Maybe all will be perfect
Sometimes you just never know
Always you have to keep hoping
Once can be just a story.
But I hope that's more than it takes.
Friday 24 May 2013
Dreaming
Drifting on the summer breeze
with the swift darts of swallows
losing all my troubles
in a cloud of calm blue sea
Soft sand supporting
while gentle waves break
the peace 0f the ocean
soothing my soul
Sweet scent of cut grass
wafts through the air
dreams of a loved one
floats songs in the sky
A moment of time
when happiness reigns
a simple remembrance
of easier times.
with the swift darts of swallows
losing all my troubles
in a cloud of calm blue sea
Soft sand supporting
while gentle waves break
the peace 0f the ocean
soothing my soul
Sweet scent of cut grass
wafts through the air
dreams of a loved one
floats songs in the sky
A moment of time
when happiness reigns
a simple remembrance
of easier times.
Small Town Girl
Feeling down and dirty
In actuality, rather small
Shower won't fix this
Nor will standing tall
Truth is I'm a failure
and drink is my success
gonna judge me aren't ya
cos it makes ya a princess
Doesn't matter to me
as long as there's a glass
fill it to the brim now
there's a good lass
Some day, I'll recover
turn my back on booze
but right now it's my saviour
'cos I've nothing left to lose.
In actuality, rather small
Shower won't fix this
Nor will standing tall
Truth is I'm a failure
and drink is my success
gonna judge me aren't ya
cos it makes ya a princess
Doesn't matter to me
as long as there's a glass
fill it to the brim now
there's a good lass
Some day, I'll recover
turn my back on booze
but right now it's my saviour
'cos I've nothing left to lose.
Rocking the Blues
Jump in the Road House
to the AC/DC tunes
Get up and bounce
when the juke box calls
Easy to smile
in the rock bar gloom
But home is where the heart is
and the blues play cool
Keep your soul together
and the music true
to the AC/DC tunes
Get up and bounce
when the juke box calls
Easy to smile
in the rock bar gloom
But home is where the heart is
and the blues play cool
Keep your soul together
and the music true
Rainbows
The gold at the end of the rainbow
isn't in a pot
it's in the kindness of a glance
the love in a smile
the belief that your heart is true.
Mistakes are easy to make
Recompense, not so much.
Doesn't stop you searching.
Just remember where to look.
isn't in a pot
it's in the kindness of a glance
the love in a smile
the belief that your heart is true.
Mistakes are easy to make
Recompense, not so much.
Doesn't stop you searching.
Just remember where to look.
Friday 5 April 2013
Empathy
When you think about life, you could get depressed, think the haters and the negativity and the back stabbers are in control.
BUT the thing is they aren't, it is all a matter of choice. I choose to embrace the amazing positives in my life and let the negatives drift away into the background. I have people who give me unconditional support, who love me regardless of the mistakes I make (and the quantities of wine I drink!) and who have my back.....at the end of the day, that is what makes us fortunate and rich and if you believe otherwise then good luck to you but you will never know true wealth. x
Thursday 28 March 2013
Orkney Part Three
Sunday 3rd
August
Slightly later start today and a coffee and bacon roll from Argo's bakery, eaten outside St Magnus Cathedral - a fabulous structure and beautifully decorated.
 |
| St Magnus Cathedral |
Bus to Maes Howe and the
tour which was informative. Unfortunately,they don't let you take
pictures inside so you'll just have to make do with pictures of a
grassy knowe.
 |
| Maes Howe
Started walking back towards Finstown and Kirkwall with my thumb out on the off-chance and got a lift from a lovely guy from North Wales who had lived here for 10 years or so. When I told him I was trying to get to the Broch of Gurness (a must as it features heavily in Andrew Greig's 'In Another Light') he basically said he had nothing else to do so he would take me up there, wait and run me back. This was fantastic offer which I obviously accepted.
|
On the way back, he took a detour and showed me a place that is not on the tourist itinerary but a real oasis of peace.
A local character, Edwin, lived in a small cottage (rent-free apparently), worked for the council but created his own haven, by planting trees round his house and stream, diverting the water to run his electricity supply, building paths and walkways through the trees,bridges and jetties on the stream.
When he died the owner of the cottage and land gave it to the council for £1 on the condition that the whole lot was maintained exactly as Edwin had left it. A lot of the materials Edwin used came from his work with the council (he seemed to specialise in things from the cemetery) and would be delivered free by his work colleagues as he couldn't drive. It's a great wee place, and it's called Happy Valley and I could feel why.
Anyway, Peter gave me a lift back to the hostel, with an offer of free accommodation if I got stuck.
In the evening, one of room mates and I had agreed to go to a storytelling evening and split the cost of a taxi. This was just as well as I hadn't read the directions and didn't realise it was right over the other side of the island. £30 taxi fare later we got there though.
The evening was being run by a couple who also operate a retreat and I did have a momentary flashback to the dodgy hippies I knew in Arizona but am pleased to report that it was a lovely evening and Lynn and John were just really nice people.
Thankfully, Laura got talking to an American couple at the event who were happy to give us a lift back to Kirkwall as I had been dreading the cost of a return trip by taxi.
About to run out of time again but I am afraid there is nothing of interest to report about Monday as I spent it in the pub!!! Oh but I did win quite a few games of pool and get bought more drinks!!
Tuesday, 5th August
Again, feeling remarkably un-hungover, despite the day in the pub on Monday, I was up and basically organised by 10am. This is highly unusual behaviour for me but is slightly enforced by having to vacate hostels by a sensible time of morning. Cath, the lovely warden at the Peedie hostel in Kirkwall (where I spent Monday night) let me leave my gear at the hostel while I went to the library to write my last note. I really must, if I haven't already, sing the praises of Kirkwall library, who made life very easy for getting back on-line.
After the pleasant hour typing, it was back to the hostel, pick up my stuff and wander to the bus station for the bus to Stromness and the ferry to Hoy.
Had a few hours to kill in Stromness, where I bumped into Aevar who I had met at the Hamnavoe Hostel during my previous stay. This proved fortuitous as the left luggage bit at the Stromness Travel Centre wasn't working properly and I had no intention of taking all my gear to Hoy for one night. Aevar, bless him, let me stash my stuff in his hostel room so it would be safe.
So with a much reduced load, it was onto the ferry for Graemsay and Hoy. This is a quick crossing, thankfully, as it's a tiny boat and I'm not very keen on them!!
Very relieved that I'd lightened the load when I saw the hill I needed to walk up to get to the Hoy Centre hostel, which is council run and very well equipped.
Had a quiet dinner and sat outside enjoying the evening with a glass of wine.
Wednesday, 6th August
Up, and out to the Dwarfie Stane on Hoy. This is a stone cut tomb on the hillside and thankfully, given it's cramped proportions, they seem to have decided it was a tomb and not a hermit's quarters!
I was full of good intentions to carry on to Rackwick Bay and possibly the Old Man of Hoy but my bloody knee started playing up to add to the original dodgy foot so common sense dictated that walking round the middle of Hoy on my own was probably not a good idea. Didn't really want to end up in a crumpled heap somewhere!!
So, reverted to type and had a lazy day sat outside with a book until it was time for the ferry back to Stromness.
Retrieved my rucksack from Aevar; thankfully Stromness is a small place and since he wasn't at the Hamnavoe hostel, I just sat outside the pub 'til he showed up (about half a pint in - told you Stromness was small!)
Back to Brown's hostel for the Wednesday night where I took the chance to get some laundry done and get organised for the journey back south.
(In case, I haven't already mentioned this, the main island of the Orkney Isles is called the Mainland, so the actual mainland of Scotland's referred to as south or Scotland.)
A local character, Edwin, lived in a small cottage (rent-free apparently), worked for the council but created his own haven, by planting trees round his house and stream, diverting the water to run his electricity supply, building paths and walkways through the trees,bridges and jetties on the stream.
When he died the owner of the cottage and land gave it to the council for £1 on the condition that the whole lot was maintained exactly as Edwin had left it. A lot of the materials Edwin used came from his work with the council (he seemed to specialise in things from the cemetery) and would be delivered free by his work colleagues as he couldn't drive. It's a great wee place, and it's called Happy Valley and I could feel why.
Anyway, Peter gave me a lift back to the hostel, with an offer of free accommodation if I got stuck.
In the evening, one of room mates and I had agreed to go to a storytelling evening and split the cost of a taxi. This was just as well as I hadn't read the directions and didn't realise it was right over the other side of the island. £30 taxi fare later we got there though.
The evening was being run by a couple who also operate a retreat and I did have a momentary flashback to the dodgy hippies I knew in Arizona but am pleased to report that it was a lovely evening and Lynn and John were just really nice people.
Thankfully, Laura got talking to an American couple at the event who were happy to give us a lift back to Kirkwall as I had been dreading the cost of a return trip by taxi.
About to run out of time again but I am afraid there is nothing of interest to report about Monday as I spent it in the pub!!! Oh but I did win quite a few games of pool and get bought more drinks!!
Tuesday, 5th August
Again, feeling remarkably un-hungover, despite the day in the pub on Monday, I was up and basically organised by 10am. This is highly unusual behaviour for me but is slightly enforced by having to vacate hostels by a sensible time of morning. Cath, the lovely warden at the Peedie hostel in Kirkwall (where I spent Monday night) let me leave my gear at the hostel while I went to the library to write my last note. I really must, if I haven't already, sing the praises of Kirkwall library, who made life very easy for getting back on-line.
After the pleasant hour typing, it was back to the hostel, pick up my stuff and wander to the bus station for the bus to Stromness and the ferry to Hoy.
Had a few hours to kill in Stromness, where I bumped into Aevar who I had met at the Hamnavoe Hostel during my previous stay. This proved fortuitous as the left luggage bit at the Stromness Travel Centre wasn't working properly and I had no intention of taking all my gear to Hoy for one night. Aevar, bless him, let me stash my stuff in his hostel room so it would be safe.
So with a much reduced load, it was onto the ferry for Graemsay and Hoy. This is a quick crossing, thankfully, as it's a tiny boat and I'm not very keen on them!!
Very relieved that I'd lightened the load when I saw the hill I needed to walk up to get to the Hoy Centre hostel, which is council run and very well equipped.
Had a quiet dinner and sat outside enjoying the evening with a glass of wine.
Wednesday, 6th August
Up, and out to the Dwarfie Stane on Hoy. This is a stone cut tomb on the hillside and thankfully, given it's cramped proportions, they seem to have decided it was a tomb and not a hermit's quarters!
I was full of good intentions to carry on to Rackwick Bay and possibly the Old Man of Hoy but my bloody knee started playing up to add to the original dodgy foot so common sense dictated that walking round the middle of Hoy on my own was probably not a good idea. Didn't really want to end up in a crumpled heap somewhere!!
So, reverted to type and had a lazy day sat outside with a book until it was time for the ferry back to Stromness.
Retrieved my rucksack from Aevar; thankfully Stromness is a small place and since he wasn't at the Hamnavoe hostel, I just sat outside the pub 'til he showed up (about half a pint in - told you Stromness was small!)
Back to Brown's hostel for the Wednesday night where I took the chance to get some laundry done and get organised for the journey back south.
(In case, I haven't already mentioned this, the main island of the Orkney Isles is called the Mainland, so the actual mainland of Scotland's referred to as south or Scotland.)
Monday 28 January 2013
Intransigence
Just
for the record:
I
live by my own standards and no one else's
I
am frequently emotional and irrational
But,
no, I will not flipping grow up
I
am also frequently happy, amusing, daft, spontaneous and silly
And
I can be all of the above regardless of sobriety or drunkenness.
The
fact that I may switch between one frequency and the other is because
I am who I am.
And
if you can't respect, like or love me for it then I know where there
is a short pier you can take a long run off.....
And, now I feel guilty, my fault that you took that nose dive.
When, all I was doing was venting, and letting off steam.
And, now I feel guilty, my fault that you took that nose dive.
When, all I was doing was venting, and letting off steam.
Tuesday 22 January 2013
Self Loathing
I want to be thin, but I keep eating and I hate myself for it.
I drink so I can eat because I don't stress about food when I am drinking.
I've had my friends tell me I'm too thin, but now I just feel like an elephant.
I constantly compare myself to everyone else I see on the street.
It takes up all of my energy and it's why I can't be intimate with anyone or even spend time with friends.
All I want to do is hide.
I hate everything about myself right now and trying to be normal takes everything I've got.
I want to feed others but I can't eat what I make for them because it freaks me out if I eat that much.
But I try just so I look normal.
My entire life is about food and drink and I hate it and I hate me.
I hate my life so much because I should be happy and I'm not and I feel so guilty about that.
I drink so I can eat because I don't stress about food when I am drinking.
I've had my friends tell me I'm too thin, but now I just feel like an elephant.
I constantly compare myself to everyone else I see on the street.
It takes up all of my energy and it's why I can't be intimate with anyone or even spend time with friends.
All I want to do is hide.
I hate everything about myself right now and trying to be normal takes everything I've got.
I want to feed others but I can't eat what I make for them because it freaks me out if I eat that much.
But I try just so I look normal.
My entire life is about food and drink and I hate it and I hate me.
I hate my life so much because I should be happy and I'm not and I feel so guilty about that.
Sunday 13 January 2013
Monday 7 January 2013
Summer Afternoon
Blue notes blowing in the breeze
Laughter gently drifting
Eyes caught by inexperience
It's all a dream to me.
Conversations challenging,
changing, corrupting
the harmony of the harp.
Laughter gently drifting
Eyes caught by inexperience
It's all a dream to me.
Conversations challenging,
changing, corrupting
the harmony of the harp.
Maturity
You know it's funny when you have moments of feeling good about yourself. Just knowing that you have been organised enough to buy more toilet paper when you still have a roll and a half left....finally makes you feel a little bit grown up!!!
Sanity
Most of the time it is the day to day things that stop me from cracking up completely. Sort of a case of "Well, I was going to go stark raving bonkers today but I've got to pay the electricity bill!"
Hmmm
Everything in the past seems easy because it has been done and is not in the process of being done or yet to be done, both of which make things seem a lot more difficult. Nostalgia makes life seem so simple! Mind you, the more I conceptualise something as difficult, the more difficult it becomes.
Sunday 6 January 2013
Money Part Two
Money is indeed the root of all evil. But I can see no way of escaping the ties that bind.
I suppose I could attempt to opt out on an individual level, but how can anyone do that when the thing that is killing us softly and destroying our souls is the same thing that provides sustenance and life as we know it?
Even if I was to walk away from it, how would I live when everyone else demands money?
If I turned round and said I wasn't paying for something because I believed that money was corrupt and ethically, morally and politically defiling the planet, I'd be locked up.
I suppose I could attempt to opt out on an individual level, but how can anyone do that when the thing that is killing us softly and destroying our souls is the same thing that provides sustenance and life as we know it?
Even if I was to walk away from it, how would I live when everyone else demands money?
If I turned round and said I wasn't paying for something because I believed that money was corrupt and ethically, morally and politically defiling the planet, I'd be locked up.
Saturday 5 January 2013
Frustration
What's
good for the gander
is
unacceptable for the goose
apparently
Paranoia
says the gander
Double
standards says the goose
allegedly
The
gander is amused
the
goose is quoting Victoria
assuredly
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